Vitamins Reclassified

It is no secret that science has made a mess of our vitamin terminology. It started with such a simple concept. There were five vitamins, so call them A, B, C, D, and E. Then someone invented vitamin K, and it was all downhill from there. Now we have vitamin B1, B2, B3, B5 -- but no B4? -- and all the rest. Then, we have those things that are almost vitamins. Is lycopene a vitamin? The ketchup industry wishes it were. Are antioxidants vitamins? Vitamin E is an antioxidant. If you ask me, vitamins are nutrients (not minerals) that you cannot live without. I can live without lycopene.

It's time for a new broom. I give you, my vitamin nomenclature:

Retinol: Retinol is a good vitamin. It's an essential nutrient, and it has a good name. But I'm afraid I have to supplant it at the pole position. See below. In the meantime, let's call it, um... vitamin R. R for retinol, you see.

Biotin: Formerly known ("known") as B7, Wikipedia says that Biotin is also known as vitamin H. Who am I to argue?

Thiamine: Thiamine contains a thiazole ring, and forms thiamine triphosphate. Thiamine is vitamin T.

Vitamin D3: The one and only Real Vitamin D.

Vitamin D2: I seriously did not know this existed until just now. Apparently it is different from "real Vitamin D" but also similar. I will call it Vitamin I, for incognito.

Vitamin D4: Wikipedia offers no information at all about this secret vitamin, AKA dihydrotachysterol. I will call it vitamin X, because X is the most mysterious letter.

Vitamin E: The ordering system has been completely upset by the addition of all those other vitamins, but I see no reason this should not remain vitamin E.

Folic acid: Am I the only one who is bothered when huge organic molecules get called "acid"? It doesn't make a difference whether it loses a proton. Its status as an acid is not the most important fact here. I give folate an F for failure, but also for vitamin F.

Pyridoxine: Can I digress from my prepared remarks, and say that B6 is a wonder vitamin? It "might help children with learning difficulties." Overdose causes "a feeling of disembodiment." And it may increase dream vividness. It will henceforth be known as vitamin A. Hooray!

Niacin: Formerly known as vitamin PP, for "Pellagra-preventing factor". Good effort trying to overturn the one-letter-per-name cartel, but not good enough for me. Let's call it vitamin P.

Naphthaquinone: Known as vitamin K. The K, the letter that upset the whole vitamin apple cart, stands for Koagulation. Was it worth overturning a whole nomenclature for? Definitely. If I had a German industrial band, it would be called "Koagulation". The decision stands. Vitamin K.

Cyanocobalamin: The biggest, best, and hardest-to-come-by vitamin. All the cobalt in your body is in this molecule unless you are sick. Nobody can make it but bacteria. If any of the teeming mass deserves to be called Vitamin B, this is it.

Ascorbic acid: Vitamin C is a good name, right, because C sounds like Sea, which is where you get scurvy.... Is any of this getting through to you?

So there you have it. There are probably other vitamins, like vitamin K2, produced by bacteria in your intestines. Some would say that K2 is in on a technicality. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think you can separate the bacteria and the man. Finally, what about cholesterol? Is it a vitamin? I guess it's not. Not even good cholesterol? If you want to be a vitamin scientist, you will have to deal with fine distinctions like these.