Saturday, December 09, 2006

One of the 613 Mitzvot

Today I was introduced to (which I will not comment on, except to express hope that cat-breeders really do call their businesses "catteries"), but why should the fun stop there? Their webpage says that was created to follow in the wake of, and I don't want to indulge in hateful stereotypes about which animals are loveable and which are not, but cattle? Cattle is what you say when you call each individual cow a "head" and have a butchery chart on your wall.

Oh well! I guess cattle are loveable now, and who am I to say no? Better than horses at any rate. The trouble is that while cows are nice, there is no way you could belong to without being a horrible person.
If you like cows,
and don't have any cows of your own,
and use the internet to engage in cow-wish-fulfillment,
then I feel comfortable saying that there's something wrong with you.

I can't put my finger on exactly how virtual cows are worse than virtual cats or dogs, but perhaps it's just sad. Cats and dogs are well within human experience, but it takes a leap to get to cows. It's such a small leap though. This is the internet, people. Let your libidinous fantasies run free. If your deepest wish involves trading fake cows to other players, in exchange for fake cash or "embryos", then you have a small little mind. At least trade dinosaurs or smallpox cultures or African slaves.

Yeah, owning a virtual pet of any kind is disturbing, and owning a virtual commodity is worse. But if you own a virtual cow, and are selling virtual bull semen to the highest bidder, that is a special kind of worse. Get a life squared.
Unless you are a Masai tribesman who just got one of those $100 laptops, cow-ownership is not a fantasy healthy people have.

Or maybe it's just the site rules:
"Creating accounts for the purpose of buying semen or cattle from another account is strictly prohibited." I think that was in Deuteronomy somewhere. Whatever. It is now an official rule for **my** website. No doubling up on accounts, guys. These virtual bulls are gonna run dry eventually, and I want to make sure there's enough for everybody.


Anonymous Jeff Schroeder said...


First let me thank you for visiting provides a realistic and complex form of entertainment for people who have a background in agriculture. Our program is actually used as an educational in numerous ag classes throughout the United States.

I find it hilariously ironic that you would start an entire blog post about how you don’t understand why people would take part in such a simulation while simultaneously claiming those people have “small little mind”s.

Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that people who aren’t like you and who have active productive lifestyles that are different than yours might be on the Internet but trust me, it’s true. They even like online games but prefer games with some tie to reality over games involving dwarfs, ogres, super heroes, and monsters.

Rest assured, there’s nothing wrong with our 2,000+ users and they aren’t horrible people. Your small little mind just can’t comprehend the fact that they exist and therefore must belittle them in order to make yourself feel intelligent.

Thank you,

Jeff Schroeder

11:48 PM  
Blogger apk01004 said...



Hate mail from the proprietor of a fake cow website. I think you take your job too seriously, Mr. Schroeder, but on the other hand, more companies could use your dedication. So high fives all around for that!

Honestly, folks, if you'd asked me this morning what I expected to be doing tonight, you'd better believe I wouldn't have said, "Reading a sour, personal (no form letter!) response to that blog I wrote about that website a few days ago."

The future is now, my friends, and a continent-spanning network allows virtual-cow admins to communicate with their critics at the speed of light.

It's dazzling when you think of it. Never in my dreams--

This is why I love America.


I'd better go to bed. I'm all choked up.

2:38 AM  
Blogger Idoru said...

things I just cannot take seriously include:
1. Virtual bull semen.

Congratulations on your hate mail.

2:46 AM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Absolutely classic.

You don't defend any of your comments, you just call it hate mail when somebody calls you out for spewing baseless insults at an entire group of people.

Hate mail? wow, a bit sensitive are we? You might want to check your original post and count the insults you threw at our users. Hate mail would need to resort to something other than the same insults you threw out yourself before it would be truly hateful.

I must say, I didn't expect much more. Not only are you ignorant of people who are different than you, you've now demonstrated your own hypocrisy.


9:06 AM  
Blogger echolalias said...

what i can't take seriously?

someone who thinks a "whippet" or "great dane" is an exotic cat.

1:25 PM  
Blogger apk01004 said...

You sound awful mad, Mr. Schroeder.


Tell me, how did you come across this blog post which inflames you so much? I suppose it's too much to hope that you were a regular reader of my blog, who logged on one day to find me making fun of your business, and penned these comments with betrayal in your heart.

So I suppose you used some fancy internet tool to find the webpages that mentioned yours, and then decided to take the fight to your critics, one... at... a... time.

It takes two to tango, Mr. Schroeder, and if you're trolling around the internet, looking for things to be upset about, don't be shocked if you find something.

Really, though. I know you're just defending your business's honor, as any business owner (is the admin. of a website the owner? Hard to say.) ought to do. Bully for you, and if GM were just as proactive in taking on their enemies, they might not be in the trouble they're having today.

Still, let us keep business and pleasure separate. We have our differences, but as I see it, that is no reason we cannot be the best of friends. Have a very happy Christmas, my friend.

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Once again, you haven’t backed up your insults, instead you have chosen to go after me for even noticing your blog. It's called Google Site Alerts and we get notified when any of our sites is mentioned anywhere on the net. Our sites are mentioned in blogs just about every other day, almost all of the commentary positive or sarcastically negative in a "don't go there, it's addicting as hell" kind of way.

However, you are the only person in three years who has felt it appropriate to bash our users and call them small minded simply because you don't understand how they could like something you don't understand.

Put simply, I’m impressed at how comfortable you are with the way you are able to simultaneously display both your arrogance and ignorance to the entire world.

Good luck with that.

12:16 AM  
Blogger kaylen said...

alex, you get all the luck...

what i'd give for person to be like "hey! don't pick on us because we think puppies grow up into exotic show cats!"

and then i'd be like, "merry christmas!"

and they'd be like, "you're a horrible person!"

and i'd be like, "you ain't kiddin' me."

... i guess i only show up on australian radars.

1:54 AM  
Blogger apk01004 said...

You know, my friend, if you ever get tired of being a cow site administrator, you could *so* go into politics.

You have that ability to relentlessly stay offended. "I call upon my opponent to repudiate the slurs his supporters have delivered to the great [minority group] of this state." And then repeat that in every stump speech.

It's a valuable skill if you're a politico, but is this kind of unrelenting ire what wants to project to the world? I have my image to look after too, but I'm not worried. "Arrogance and ignorance" is what is all about. Did you see the post on quantum mechanics, where we totally overturned 50 years of nuclear physics without knowing anything about it? Just one of our prouder moments.

I would think that with 3 years of all-but-uniformly positive commentary under your belt, you would be able to let a bit of internet nobodying slide. Pinochet just died, after all. If we learn nothing else from his life, let us learn that we must tolerate dissent.


You know what? I was being sarcastically negative all along. I'm sorry you didn't pick up on it. Don't go to, folks. It's addicting as hell.

3:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've known jeff a while on his sites. he is an egomaniac with power issues. he thinks he is god and treats others like they are beneath him.
he will bann you from his site if you steal fake money, or even if you don't. his rules to move dogs are a certain amount per week. well mr perfects computer doesn't know the difference between a legal move and a not legal move. so what does he do? he will ban your account that you pay for and attempt to keep your real money. so he tries to steal real money from you for stealing (or maybe not) fake money.
you aren't god admin get it through your thick texas brain.

2:36 PM  

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