Instead Of Chewing Gum, Chew Bacon

As part of the fact-finding mission that is my life, I've been watching a lot of TV lately. In between the ads for cable TV and the ads against cable TV, they're now running ads for www.kidney.org, a foundation for kidney health and research.

I was impressed by their logo, and never one to ignore a promising lead, I visited kidney.org. After totally acing the Kidney IQ test and satisfying myself that I don't have chronic kidney disease, I stumbled on their top-secret tip for people with CKD, a subject near and dear to my heart: How to eat more.

Now honestly, their tips boil down to, "just eat more, dummy." And they're even less helpful than that, given that I don't have CKD, and thus I don't need to worry about phosphorus or potassium or protein intake. Still, it's refreshing to read, even in a tentative and inapplicable form, tips like:

• Eat candies such as gum drops, hard candy and lollipops at the end of a meal or as a snack.
• Instead of milk, use half and half, cream, or non-dairy creamer.
• Add sour cream to omelettes, noodles, rice and vegetables.
• Instead of plain water, drink beverages that have calories from sugar.

Aye, aye!