Canker Sores
I'm pretty sure more productivity in America gets lost to little unsympathetic diseases than all the scarlet fever and and smallpox that we aren't having. Guess we got that medical revolution backwards, huh? That's why instead of writing Romantic piano compositions like Chopin, and having a wonderful time (apart from the coughing) I have been positively felled for the last few days by a canker sore.
I know you think I'm just a big baby, but that only goes to show how little sympathy people have for these kinds of problems. Ulcers really, really hurt. So much that I am not able to focus on fun things. Only on my lip. Really, you're lucky I'm not the kind of person who has a camera, or you'd be seeing pictures of my ulcer. Just remember that when other people try to make you look at their photographs on the internet, they might as well be showing you their open sores. I'm not sure how they find the restraint, but I bet it could break down at any minute, so watch out for people with cameras.
So, back to my ulcer. There are two ways to treat them. One is to put benzocaine solution on them. This is fun the first time you try it. I remember being a small child and putting anaesthetic in my mouth just on a whim. This hasn't led to a cocaine addiction yet, but there's still time. Now that I have to do it all the time, and the camphor flavor has been replaced with menthol, it's no fun at all. It runs all over my mouth and makes my lower lip swell up like Mammy. Which is not racially sensitive. ON the other hand, for a simple practical joke, get someone to drink an entire half-ounce bottle. There are a dozen ways to get someone to put a half ouce of liquid into his mouth, so I don't have to go over them. You can probably supply the details to the joke yourself (e.g. is it a deadly poison).
The other treatment is one that I pioneered and I am very proud of it. It might also be illegal. Apparently steroids are used to treat very severe ulcers, since they suppress the immune system or something. Therefore the obvious solution was to smear (prescription only) betamethasone psoriasis cream all over the inside of my mouth. When you try this you will learn two things: A) The stuff that makes foot cream stick to feet makes it slide right off mouths, like trying to ice a waxed floor. B) The stuff that makes foot cream stick to feet tastes just like Subway bread smells, for better or worse.
Honestly? This was an obvious solution. That cream solves any problem. You should probably get a tube for yourself. It doesn't work on pimples, but that's the only time it's let me down. I don't have allergies but if you do, you might seriously consider putting it up your nose. Auto-immune problems are the worst ones in the world, after all. How could it get any worse?
I know you think I'm just a big baby, but that only goes to show how little sympathy people have for these kinds of problems. Ulcers really, really hurt. So much that I am not able to focus on fun things. Only on my lip. Really, you're lucky I'm not the kind of person who has a camera, or you'd be seeing pictures of my ulcer. Just remember that when other people try to make you look at their photographs on the internet, they might as well be showing you their open sores. I'm not sure how they find the restraint, but I bet it could break down at any minute, so watch out for people with cameras.
So, back to my ulcer. There are two ways to treat them. One is to put benzocaine solution on them. This is fun the first time you try it. I remember being a small child and putting anaesthetic in my mouth just on a whim. This hasn't led to a cocaine addiction yet, but there's still time. Now that I have to do it all the time, and the camphor flavor has been replaced with menthol, it's no fun at all. It runs all over my mouth and makes my lower lip swell up like Mammy. Which is not racially sensitive. ON the other hand, for a simple practical joke, get someone to drink an entire half-ounce bottle. There are a dozen ways to get someone to put a half ouce of liquid into his mouth, so I don't have to go over them. You can probably supply the details to the joke yourself (e.g. is it a deadly poison).
The other treatment is one that I pioneered and I am very proud of it. It might also be illegal. Apparently steroids are used to treat very severe ulcers, since they suppress the immune system or something. Therefore the obvious solution was to smear (prescription only) betamethasone psoriasis cream all over the inside of my mouth. When you try this you will learn two things: A) The stuff that makes foot cream stick to feet makes it slide right off mouths, like trying to ice a waxed floor. B) The stuff that makes foot cream stick to feet tastes just like Subway bread smells, for better or worse.
Honestly? This was an obvious solution. That cream solves any problem. You should probably get a tube for yourself. It doesn't work on pimples, but that's the only time it's let me down. I don't have allergies but if you do, you might seriously consider putting it up your nose. Auto-immune problems are the worst ones in the world, after all. How could it get any worse?
posted by apk01004 at 8:43 PM
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