Legends of the Hidden Temple

Because we need to take our pleasure where we can find it, I've been watching children's game shows lately. Not just children's game shows, actually, but reruns of old children's game shows. It was bound to happen. The cost of starting a cable channel is so low, and the cost of producing a television show is still so high, that there is actually a channel, Nickelodeon Games and Sports, dedicated to rerunning old episodes of GUTS and Legends of the Hidden Temple. (They don't run ads, so I'm worried to think that Nick GaS's income is largely from the Ring Pops and BK sneakers prize spots.)

I can't overestimate how much fun these are. They work on so many levels. First of all, of course, there's the game show format itself, which is already the perfect way to coax people out of their shells and put their awfulness on display. But these are children's shows, which means that the contestants have both more ignorance and less shame than their adult contemporaries. Even if they don't know what a cutlass is, they're just going to throw their dignity to the winds and guess, so compelling are those Huffy bikes and Space Camp. It gets even better, because most of these shows have no penalty for guessing wrong. I guess this is ostensibly to avoid upsetting the little ones, but really, it just encourages them to throw out whatever jetsam they have in mind.

The emcees of the shows are wonderful too. Adult game show hosts are already pretty bubbly and embarrassing. But the children's hosts are obviously under contract to keep the contestants from crying. The lengths they go through to play down a wrong answer, or give obvious hints, or (in the sports-type game shows) talk about the loser as a "tough fighter" who "never gives up" are enough to make you sick with delight.

But we haven't even gotten to the best part. These shows are reruns. Nickelodeon was only founded in the late 80's, so it could be better, but the knowledge that you are watching people who were 10 years old in 1991 is thrilling. The people you see walking around the streets, just a little bit older than you, could be the kids you giggle at tonight. In case you're wondering why 25-year olds are so messed up, look no further. We don't get many opportunities to see real live footage of 80's kids, but they are on Nick GaS in their full glory. They know way more about Vanilla Ice than you probably ever did, and mullets, buzz cuts and feathered hair are everywhere. Even worse, most of the children wear aviator glasses, (Question: Why? Has any role-model ever worn aviator glasses?) making them look like the Future Child Molestors of America.

The lineup of these shows is disturbing, too. During the day, they seldom venture back more than ten years. But after midnight, they start to show the really old programs, the ones you only vaguely remember from your own youth. Like Nick Arcade, which capitalizes on the growing (dying) trend of arcade games to bring you a game show where you actually get to watch kids play rebranded Mortal Kombat and Pong. All of these game shows channel the zeitgeist, broken down in the way that a 8-year old would be likely to understand it. Sociology professors take heed.

I didn't have the nerve to venture still further back in time, because it was too late for me. But if I had, I'm sure the MC's would be gooier, the kids would be uglier, the production values would be lower, the remaining audience would be sketchier, and the good times would get even better.