Pain Index

The federal government (or really any rich entity I am looking at you, Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) could be doing so much more for humanity. Iraqi insurgents and malaria will always be with us, but once an index of pain is compiled, it isn't going to be changed soon.

The concept is simple. We must locate people who have suffered at least two painful events within vivid memory. Then we ask them to rate their painful events proportionately. We ask them, say, how much more painful is it to smash your thumb with a hammer than to stub your toe on the baseboard? Almost anybody can be a subject, of course, although people with really interesting pain opinions, people who have had brain surgery or been attacked by army ants will be naturally thin. We compile these scores, and compare them against one another to reach average pain differentials for every conceivable problem. Then publish these in a book. It will be an inestimable help to people, all over the world, planning their major decisions.

This comes to mind because of what seems like a recent uptick in pain equivocation. I have heard the following things described as the most painful pain:

Childbirth
Gout
Cluster headaches
Neuropathy
Kneecapping
Kidney stones
Strychnine poisoning
Severe burns

I'm not sure that some of these claims aren't silly or self-pitying, but it would be nice to know what to really fear. On a more pedestrian level, I have trouble remembering myself which is more painful, wasp stings or bee stings. Don't tell me they're equally painful; the venoms are very different. And to answer the earlier question, I don't know which is more painful, having your thumb smashed or having your toe stubbed. People all have to die of something -- ridding the world of fever or IED's won't make it a much better place -- but helping people avoid pain is inestimable.