With a Spot I Damn Him

With its usual sagacity, the New York Times has uncovered another trend: Children who write enemies lists on their Livejournals. It had to happen, and they had to tell you about it. They waste a whole article on a phenomenon that could be described in one sentence or (because I am super-efficient) phrase. But I suppose that's just their way; if it's a trend, it needs the full trend treatment. Nothing less will suffice.

The New York Times obviously thinks these little Nixons are a big problem, despite the complete lack of bad consequences. In fact, it sounds like fun. Let's make our own hit list, taking a leaf from America's students:

The lists... often include gradations in the level of hate expressed, such as “to kill,” “to hurt” or “to knock out cold.” Sometimes the lists include the names of the students to be protected should schoolwide mayhem erupt.

I'm not sure how schoolwide mayhem erupts, or what protecting a student would involve. Taking a bullet for him? But I do know that in this cold, hard, post-high school world, we have to be sure who our deadly enemies are, and whom we can afford to merely "knock out cold." So, my hit list:

To kill:

• Drinking water
• Bugs
• People who say "brown people"
• Anything with mint and chocolate in it
• Tulips

To hurt:

• Bread not baked in a loaf pan
• Feta cheese
• March
• Pomelos
• People who begin written sentences with "uh"

To knock out cold:

• Showcattle.com

To protect, should schoolwide mayhem erupt:

• ASIMO