I Want to Have Oprah's Miracle Babies

Well pals I can't sleep, on account of my eye. It must be scratched. There is nothing worse than a scratched eye. It is like the Devil existed, and he were everyone I knew. That is how cranky it makes me.

So instead let's talk about Oprah. How soothing. Her episode today was about miracle babies. The transcript is a joy to read, for those of you who missed the original. Fun things about today's episode:

• Celine Dion looks like a cattle skull.

• Celine Dion was talking up her baby, René-Charles. "She says she and her husband, René, regularly take René-Charles to Chuck E. Cheese and on miniature golf outings. René and René-Charles especially like to golf together."

• Another lady was on, whose husband died of cancer. He died at home, and they spent his last day alive hugging in bed. An open plea: Do not make me spend my last day alive hugging. That's a terrible thing to do to a man who is barely concious.

• "Miracle babies"

• She had his miracle babies, which is to say in vitro fertilization with frozen sperm. I really like the way they describe this on the official Oprah website: "After the first attempt at in vitro, Sarah got the miraculous news that she was pregnant with twins, Braden Harper and Shae Curran." That kind of sounds like the local news team (weather on the half hour) bullied their way into her uterus. Those are their middle names, right? Who calls babies that way?

• Celine Dion cries like she might be sneezing.